The Most Foolish April Fools Story Ever Told

The federal government of the United States released a memo this morning informing all citizens that effective immediately, the amount of federal taxes people are required to pay is being cut by 50% all across the board.

As a result of government downsizing, election reform and the complete overhaul of wasteful spending, corporate lobbying and unneeded government jobs, the government says they are now able to save taxpayers trillions of dollars that according to them, they plan on putting right back into the pockets of the people who paid it.

The news means that your next paycheck will be at least 50% higher than your last one.

In other news, around the nation education is being reported as “in the best state in its history” by teachers and educators from schools across the country.

With the adoption of less rules and regulations put on teachers and staff, less new programs to follow and learn each year, and through school culture reform, school systems have been able to not only hire more teachers, but students at or above proficiency levels in reading, math and writing have went from 37%, 25% and 27% of grade 12 students to 93%, 87% and 89% respectively.

Teachers say that because they now have more time to actually teach their students, is the reason for the increase in public education numbers.

In legal news, the courts have gotten out of the marriage business. Courtrooms in the U.S. will no longer decide the fate of a family unit when you get divorced and have children, in standard cases. After the recent nationwide arrests of tens of thousands of parents who were found guilty of falsely accusing the other parent of wrongdoing, (sometimes via horrific allegations) studies released have shown that the government’s involvement in family breakup has been one of the main contributing factors empowering parents to be at war in a family courtroom.

Because of this rule, parents no longer enter the courts with an attitude of “winning”. The time between parents is divided equally, and situations where there is harm or the potential for harm to a child by either parent, are handled through the police department and dealt with in court accordingly. Many believe this is the reason there are now 50% more male teachers in classrooms across the country.

People are getting along too.

A new report from CNN is reporting that the country has “never been so united”. With the transformation of the media over recent years away from the way it has always sensationalized the evil of the world, now through real life positive stories of the millions of people who do get along with everyone, the platform of television has begun to portray a more harmonious, united side of people.

Through this more accurate representation of real life, CBS reports that even in debate, sides are able to communicate and work through resolve in ways never seen before. Many believe this has been a contributing factor in the culture shift of crime as well.

Because of the recent changes in greed, as far as crime goes, crime is reportedly down all throughout the country. More police officers have now been able to get hired to the force, effectively drowning out neighborhoods where crime was once so heavy.

Officers are now seen interacting with neighborhoods, and more people are in the streets engaging with them. According to a recent study done by ABC, over 96% of Americans now believe the police are here to serve and to protect them.

Through these changes, and through abolishing much of the senseless fee system of law enforcement, the relationship between a lawful society and law enforcement has also seen a shift. Police no longer ticket people for minor infractions of speeding, light bulbs, taillights and the relationship of those infractions to money is no longer prevalent in law.

Driving is no longer the Spanish inquisition and if you get pulled over for a light bulb, taillight, or for speeding, unless you’ve been pulled over in the past 6 months, or unless you were a clear danger to others, you only get a warning.

Courts have realized that the fining of citizens monetarily as a way of punishment, does nothing to stop infractions from happening, and, it further causes divide between law and its citizens. Courts found that punishment through payment has no relation to the infraction of a burnt out light bulb, expired sticker, speeding, jaywalking or other minor infractions.

In Walker vs. Walker, the U.S. Supreme court ruled that “associating payment as the way to make good on what, in the majority of cases, are minor infractions that waste law enforcement and citizen time, is as absurd as it would be to require a murderer to write a check, to get out of jail”.

Additionally, license plate stickers have been abolished and insurance companies are no longer allowed to make laws, Citizens vs. The Big Insurance Corp., where presiding judge Peter M. Pan stated, “the non-tangible safe driving history of the citizens of this country is not a right to own by, profit of, nor can it be required of law, in any money generating scenario of any insurance company”.

The judgment went on to say, “while insurance companies are free to exist, and consumers are free to make choices, there can never be a requirement of law that otherwise law abiding, safe citizens, be legally ordered to make monetary payments to any private or public organization, in any scenario where there is no promise of return to the person who of payment is required of law, who by no fault, and no indication otherwise, is a law abiding, safe citizen”.

Finally, with all the recent changes in America the poverty rate is down to record levels. Less people are in need of the services of places such as the Salvation Army, the Goodwill and food pantry attendance is at an all time low. Many food pantries across the country have even closed their doors because of lack of need.

Students in schools are today now more active in each other’s lives than ever before, and there’s a caring culture to schools across the country. Even co-workers have a closer relationship with each other on the job and citizens in general, appear to be finding solace and comfort in each other.

Families are staying together longer, suicides are down and even while organizations that provide community support services did see an increase in people volunteering, today even those numbers are dwindling because of lack of need.

It seems people are helping people.

It seems they are finding common ground in the unknown of the world, enjoying the differences we share, and the peace that by virtue of our existence together on this earth, life can be a place of harmony for the overwhelming vast majority of all people.

As for that foolish April fools story, we’ll probably have to wait until April 2nd to find out the real news.


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