[Editor’s note: At Freeport News Network, we believe that sometimes a slice of satire or a pinch of parody can brighten even the gravest and most solemn of political stories. Even so, we do not make light of the loss of life which is, and will always be a painful wound. We also acknowledge that COVID-19 is, for those who suffer from certain other medical conditions, a very real threat, and we hope such people can and will take all the precautions necessary to stay safe.]
The United States is afflicted with the mildly terrifying Coronavirus. That much we know for sure. Many millions of souls have for weeks huddled in their places of refuge, pining for the life they have temporarily lost. Some cower in fear while others have taken to blaming whichever politicians they like the least, and almost all wallow in a mixture of self-pity and anger. None, though, have spared a thought for the wretched virus itself, its miserable and friendless existence, and its ultimate failure to wipe out western civilization, as it was, perhaps, designed to do.
As plagues go, COVID-19 has been a disappointment. Where are the brain-eating zombies, we must ask ourselves? After all, if we are going to behave as if we’re living in Fort Sumner in 1880 and Billy the Kid is on his way into town, shouldn’t there actually be something out there of which to be afraid? Something malevolent and savage? Something that will tear us limb from limb if we even venture to the end of the block for a 24oz can of cheap beer and a Snickers bar? Has nobody become a vampire yet? Can’t we at least have a purge to pass the time?
Ah, but there’s more of that self-pity mentioned above. Spare a thought for the virus itself, which must be a bitter disappointment to those who may have deliberately unleashed it upon us. It didn’t want to be here. It has instigated all kinds of malarkey, the likes of which even Joe Biden has not seen. It is resilient, though. Think of what it has survived.
Money For Nothing
The governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, has tried for weeks to talk this virus to death, and kudos to him for not giving up. On second thought, though, no. Shut up, governor. At this point, you’re just putting on an act. The virus is a theatrical effect for you, distracting the audience from your attempt to have the federal government wipe your financial slate clean. A golden opportunity to erase years of fiscal irresponsibility, while you blame a poor, tiny lifeform that has already been blamed for far more deaths than it caused, in reality.
Of course, Cuomo isn’t alone in this grand plot to have the American taxpayer bail him out. Half a dozen other states, at least, are thinking the same thing. The governors of those states are also blaming this wretched little germ, even though it was they, and not the virus, who took wrecking balls to their local economies – and were doing so long before Coronavirus showed up.
Down With The Sickness
Speaking of Cuomos, who can figure out the other one: the one who masquerades as a newsman? Chris Cuomo allegedly locked himself in his basement, having discovered that he was one of the unclean. Was he really ever infected, though? Perhaps his wife locked him in the basement because, like the rest of us, she’s tired of hearing his nonsense. Also, she just wanted to take a long, uninterrupted Chlorox bath. Which begs another question: where did she get the idea that a Chlorox bath would cure her? She got it from President Trump, of course, though she’ll never admit it. After all, it appears that everyone who suffers from Trump Derangement Syndrome swears up and down that the president told them household disinfectants would protect them. That’s OK, Mrs. Cuomo, we won’t tell anyone your secret.
Meanwhile, half of the population is walking around with masks or something else covering their faces. This unpopular little son of a biscuit we call Coronavirus, though, can enter the human body in numerous ways and those masks – well, we at Liberty Nation are not medical professionals, so we won’t suggest you don’t bother with them, because faith is a powerful thing. Just remember, though, that it’s supposed to cover your mouth and nose, and it’s supposed to fit correctly. If you’re going to do the mask thing, good for you – but do it right because Lord knows, we’re having trouble keeping a straight face as it is. Watching you drag your sorry behind around the grocery store with that thing hanging off your face is not helping anyone.
Thankfully, the president appears to be tiring of the daily Coronavirus Task Force press briefings. At first, they were great. They were informative. They were, of course, an excellent way for Trump to hog the limelight while getting information out to the people without the distortion of the media filter. Some networks have stopped airing the briefings, though, and it is time to either do them without those whiny reporters present or not do them at all.
Of course, Joe Biden has probably been thanking his lucky stars for all the attention he has managed to avoid. Stammering your way through a podcast isn’t quite so bad when you know that most Americans are paying no attention to you. Plus, the former Vice President has, during this time of stay-at-home orders, been able to avoid his arch-enemy, Corn Pop. Alone in his basement, the 2020 hopeful has been able to memorize which party he belongs to, which office he is running for, and what remarks not to make if he wants black people to vote for him. Maybe he has by now even learned not to refer to the Declaration of Independence – or the Creator – as “the thing.”
Another Song Title
The only silver lining to all of this idiocy – and yes, it is pure idiocy – is that a lot of Americans did not lose their sense of humor and many more may have discovered a sense of humor they were not aware they had. It is they, and not the fake health care workers holding fake protests against the other protests, who are the real heroes. If you’re a real health care worker, doctor, nurse, surgeon, or if you are an EMT or a police officer or a fireman, then you deal with risk every day. Though we salute you, the Coronavirus didn’t suddenly make you heroic because, in truth, you are facing no more risk today than you faced on this same day last year or the year before.
The real heroes are the American people who have put up with this lunacy and downright destructive behavior without stringing up their political leaders. Their restraint is nothing short of remarkable. So, dear reader, pat yourself on the back – but please do keep that torch and that pitchfork at the ready because they may yet come in handy.
By: Graham J Noble April 26, 2020 Articles, Media, Political Humor, Politics, Satire