Freeport High Teacher Will Completely Disintegrate In Less Than Two Hours Unless You Read This

Freeport, Illinois – In a story that may seem as shocking to read as it is to write, news has it that citizens all over the city of Freeport this week have been in an uproar. Seems a Freeport High School teacher we first broke the story about months ago is up to his old antics again and this time, his outrageous behavior was all caught on camera in his own class. Warning: What we’re about to show you may shock you.

See, since we first broke the story about this mystery Teacher, we’ve been keeping a very close eye on his activities. Last week we witnessed him verbally harass the Freeport Pretzels Mascot after a paranoid episode where the Teacher thought the Mascot was “staring” at him! (No joke)

Prior to that we caught the teacher dressed up as Stephen Douglas and worse still, he had the audacity to walk around IN PUBLIC dressed like that. Small rabbits ran away scared, squirrels stopped looking for nuts and for a moment, the entire equilibrium of the citizens of Freeport was off a notch. (Feel anything funny in your stomach the past week? Well, that’s why.)

Frankly, we’re so surprised by the activities of Freeport High teacher Tim Conners, we have no choice but to ask all you for your help.

See, CSN Chicago is having a “Most Unique” mascot name contest and the Pretzels have made it all the way to the final round.  Now, anyone who has ever heard of the Pretzels, from here to Zimbabwe, know the Pretzels unequivocally have the most unique mascot name.

The dilemma; as we write this we are in terrible fear over the emotional safety of Mr. Conners’s students as well as our Freeport Pretzels Mascot. We’re afraid this one teacher’s antics are going to cause his students to literally laugh themselves to death and let us tell you, that is not a pretty sight at all. Once, we had an Aunt that went that way and it was NOT pretty. It was funny, but it wasn’t pretty.

So here’s how you can help.

Go to this link and vote for the Pretzels.

Don’t say, “yeah, I’ll get to it later“, don’t finish your bologna sandwich first, just drop the green hot dog, put down the cabbage and click this RIGHT NOW.  Innocent high school students lives are at stake, the entire city of Freeport is depending on you and we’re afraid if you don’t, Freeport High School teacher Tim Conners may never recover and may disintegrate completely from existence.

Now we know, some of you may be thinking, “ha ha, yeah, real funny Today In The Port“, but we assure you, if you could look at us right now you would see the faces of true worry. Do you see us laughing?


So go vote. History depends on you. Small babies and innocent 3rd graders are depending on you. Every kid who scored a touchdown in the 4th quarter has their hopes on you. Angels may perish. Even if you, (like us), have had it up to “here” with Conner’s antics, vote for the home team, the underdog, vote your conscience, vote for humanity. Do it for the Gipper. Do it for Chex Mix lovers everywhere. Do it for Beer.

Vote for the Most Unique Mascot name, which we all know the home for such a prestigious title belongs right here in our beautiful city of Freeport, Illinois. The one, the only, the famous home of the Freeport Pretzels.

Voting is done exclusively through
The voting round ends on TODAY at 4:00 p.m. 



Footage shot by the Pretzel Pride Network.  This article is purely satire. Conner’s is only a little crazy and his students, other than that Nicolas Cimino kid, are all pretty normal.

Stay tuned.

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